if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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