I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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