I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
