Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
