how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
