He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
