Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
