Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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