I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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