A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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