Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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