i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
