i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
