you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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