Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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