My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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