we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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