Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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