we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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