I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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