my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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