I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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