Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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