you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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