Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
