Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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