Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
