I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
