im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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