Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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