Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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