I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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