so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
