you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
