I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
