I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize