So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
