My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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