I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
