Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm getting married
To pizza
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
