She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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