well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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