I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
