Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
