God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
