My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
