Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
