someone threw a dead crab at me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize