God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The best revenge is premature balding
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You made out with two different species that night
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
