Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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