my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
