I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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