Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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