Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
