i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
